Disconnected

Imagine, if you will, a transparent sphere floating in space. The sphere is maybe a 1/4 of the moons size, give or take. Out of this massive sphere u see flashes of light and an overall orange glow. As you come closer you see a man atop the sphere. As you come even closer you see he is only a young boy. If you were to approach the boy he would probably tell you to watch with him. Watch what? Well, if you look down, you will see the fiendish sight the boy is so delighted by. As you stare on in horror at the souls ripped from their bodies and mass graves filled with atrocities, you can only wonder what the boy finds so fascinating. If you asked he would say something like this..I am the one who keeps him sane. I am the one who sees the truth he cannot admit. I watch with joy because i am indifferent and because I am saving myself.

I don't like this, I like the idea I originally had, then it devolved into that. Blah, probably because I don't know what I want to write right now. I want to write about nameless heartless cunt buckets who shit all over the latter part of my lifes work. But im probably not going to. Perhaps about lying and indecision. I'm so fucking mad..fucking hurt..never again. Not making these mistakes anymore. I made clean clear decisions with repercussions, this wont happen again..

You know whats its called when you search for youth and what it means to you after its passed right? Lay in it..

I miss my blog :(

However, I have no idea what to write about as of late. I suppose a status update will do..

My project received renewed life and has been running pretty awesomely. Can only hope for the best.

BFBC2 beta ended :( That shit was heartbreaking for me, that game is going to be awesome as fuck. Anyone who enjoys that..feeling of gaming accomplishment, needs to fuck with it.

MAG l8r this month, YES ! Agh, cant wait, top of the leaderboards here we come, SVER ON DRUGS BITCH !

Starting school soon, bad assery abound. Once i have a philosophy degree I don't wanna hear SHIT! I already don't wanna hear shit, ima be out of control with my degree =D

I believe ill end this off with a song I just got up on, wonder if the person who should get this will?

Destroyed -Within Temptation

I did my best to please you

But my best was never good enough

Somehow you're only able to see

All I am not

Did you ever look behind

Aren't you afraid of the pieces you'll find

I have failed you

but you have failed me too

It's so easy to destroy

and condemn

The ones you do not understand

do you ever wonder if it's justified

It's so easy to destroy

and condemn

The ones you do not understand

in your life why didn't you ever try

I close my eyes as I walk the thin line

between love and hate

For the person with the same blood in his veins

You show no regrets

about all the things you did or said

I have failed you

but believe me

you failed me too

Abyss

I am

I am an abyss

a void that even I do not acknowledge

I have to wonder if its shame

am i so disgusted with who I have become..

I walk around the edge

daring myself to look in

afraid to see just what

I am

the pain that fails to register anymore

I am the smoke I exhale as I let go of emotions I ignore

I am comatose dreaming of waking life

fuck going through the motions

im past that

the motions have ceased

I would say im lost but being found has no meaning

I am

so incredibly fake

I feel? I feel what? What I know will get the least stares..

I am

an empty, efficient automaton

input what you like, ill always have a response

ill always tell you enough to look like I care

ill always lie enough to remain unnoticed

I am

someone I stopped recognizing a long time ago

Fuck a happy ending.

I haven't written in quite a while, and I am well aware just how convoluted that sounds. I needed to get that out though. Til next time..

-Sour

For the record.

After my extensive experimentation into the human ability to "grow" I have reached a conclusion. Well, I re-verified my findings is more accurate. In order to maximize willful growth in another individual you need a few ingredients.

1. The intended target will have to be in a submissive position to the teacher. ie; Teacher/Student , Master/Slave
This will bring the student closer to a state of disassociation, which is vital to making this all work.

2. It has to be understood by both parties that the teacher is only to GUIDE the student. It is not for the teacher to decide how the student should ultimately turn out. As the student grows they will develop a new sense of self. Putting your own personal nuances into the mix will stunt that growth. IF a teacher has personal goals for a student, make them separate from goals the student has to reach for themselves.

3. At some point the student MAY start to resist very strongly. It is at this time I strongly advise a break in tutelage. When the student stops being receptive it is because they have to apply what has already been taught. All growth up until that point has been in an environment fostered by the teacher(depending on situation).
The new personality needs time to interact with the world in all the ways their old one did. It's like getting a new car, you wouldn't race it until u gave it a few runs to get comfortable. In very personal situations (bf/gf, best friends)animosity can begin to brew. If left unchecked, it will destroy any relationship you had between you and your teacher.

4. Disassociation. Dissociation is a mental process that severs a connection to a person's thoughts, memories, feelings, actions, or sense of identity. The sense of identity part is what we're interested in. I personally dissociated through trauma 6 years ago. After about 4 years i was able to re-assemble myself into most of what i am now. Some people don't require trauma to abandon obsolete personality traits, or identities. Other people are far too stubborn to be moved by simple words. Something has to happen to make them feel the way they have been living up til then has failed them in some way. At that point its easier to abandon poor traits for new ones. Personally, I think everyone dissociates at some point in their life. I would even go so far as to say its necessary.

With all these things, anyone can become anyone they want to. Theres no reason to be stuck in the same rut you're in. No need to be the same person you hate looking at in the mirror. My personal experiment will be ending soon I feel. For better or for worse we'll have to wait and see. Til next time.
-Sour

Atmosphere is dope.

Seriously. I'm sorry Jess, you tried educating me years ago and I didn't listen. Lesson learned. Today's dose of knowledge comes courtesy of Atmosphere.

Quit trying to play me to the left like you’re right
Always doing that when we fight
But not tonight
(See, I’ve got a headache)
We can make the bed shake but nothin’s accomplished
‘Cause after sex we’re both unconscious
(And she still persisted)
Girl, listen, there is no interest in sex
Best that we should finish this discussion in depth
You said that you’re neglected and now you’re threatenin’
To pack your bags and step to teach me a lesson
Well if you’re really lookin’ at the front door
What you trying to front for with the hardcore seduction bit?
Ain’t even listenin’, got it twisted, contorted
Before you stop to notice
(Yo, that’s my heart you’re clutchin’, bitch)
She continues to disrobe, she knows
He’ll shut the fuck up when she’s exposed
As the clothes drop so does the conversation
Again people buckle under the temptation
And the love is always heated after fighting
Thank you, I love you, crazy excitement
(Goodnight)
Hiding the fact that as he lays he weeps
Never woke up because she stabbed him in his sleep
(Snuggle)
-Snuggle by Atmosphere

I been sleeping on my Cutco. NO MORE. uhh, school soon? Should be quite enjoyable. Been playing the Battlefield Bad Company 2 BETA like crazy. That game is going to be incredible. Anyone with a pulse needs to buy it. Anyway, back into my mind I go, til next time.
-Sour

Stuck between a rock and hell

Not much to write today, just some lyrics. I saw an old friend. I miss her and all, not really a good sign though..

This world may have failed you,
It doesn't give you reason why.
You could have chosen a
different path in life.

The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real.
You broke a promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
-Angels:Within Temptation

Very loud Gothic metal can make any day a little bit brighter =D
This J of trainwreck can't hurt either..
Til next time
-SOUR

Apparently..

I write too much even when i try to comment. Here is my reply to you mike, on your comment.

Mike is right. You ever say "the right man will come along?" or "Fuck niggas ima get money blah blah.."? Mindsets like these are common in women who have been hurt by someone in their past. They carry emotional baggage from a past failure like those dogs in fucking bags. I HATE THOSE THINGS. Anyway..telltale sign of Act Right deficiency. Hit us up about enrollment. It's your life, live it the best way u can. With Act Right.